How to teach a dog to be gentle

[Paula Breeze]

Tommy, a 20lb Jack Russell mix, has been with me for 14 years. We were a therapy team until I retired us and he was surely looking forward to a peaceful old age despite a heart condition, diabetes, blindness, and arthritis. Then Gus became part of our household 10 months ago.

Gus is a 2yr old Bully. We’ve got to do something about the breed name; it’s so, so  wrong. Gus is a 60lb teddy bear. He’s sweet-natured, extremely intelligent, and eager to please. He’s also big and strong and bouncy. He wants desperately to play with poor Tommy but he’s too rough. Tommy, never shy about speaking out, gets angry, barking and snapping, and I worry about his weak heart. Then I’m upset and yell at Gus. He’s crushed and I feel even worse. Nobody wins.

How do I teach Gus to be gentle?

Thanks in advance for your help,

Paula B

P.S. When I chose to adopt Gus, I realized that life would become difficult for Tommy. But Gus’s options were dismal. Libby, my daughter’s 3yr old Staffie/Pit mix, stays here 2-3 afternoons a week and, while having some behavioral problems of her own, is inordinately careful of little Tommy.

PB

[Robyn Basman]

I noticed no one has answered your plea for help. I have a large Border collie cross rescue and a Maltese terrier and one thing I found helpful was to make a couple of small dog areas for my Maltese terrier so he can retreat to a safe area whenever he wants to. So an opening in a barrier that he can fit through but the larger dog cannot. I’ll try to add a photo 

[Robyn Basman]

Initially when they interacted, I stood behind the larger dog, she had a harness with. a handle and sort of straddled her gently and gently intervened if she got too rough with encouraging  her to “be gentle” . Over the years she has learned to handicap her play and to just leave the older dogs alone. Having a knowledge of canine body language is essential so you can pick up on your older dog Tommy’s early stress signals so you can give him the space he needs. Hope they answer the questions soon for you. I used to foster care and I do look after dogs and I teach a dog beginner class but I am not a behavioral trainer. I am here to learn what I can too. Hope this helps somewhat 

[Robyn Basman]

My husband modified that pet barrier for me

[Paula Breeze]

Thanks for your reply. My place is so small, it would be difficult to install a pet barrier but I’ll give it some thought. Little Tommy spends most of his time on a futon chair that Gus is not allowed on without permission so T does have a refuge. 
The advantage of such a small place is that the dogs are almost always within sight and voice command, so Gus can be called to Come and Stay when Tommy feels threatened.

Thanks again. Isn’t it wonderful to be part of a community that cares so much about dogs? 

[Adrienne Farricelli]

Hi there, welcome to the forums

Management  in these cases comes first. Tommy should have protected zones where Gus cannot physically reach him, gated areas or rooms separated by baby gates. Blind dogs especially benefit from predictable, protected pathways through the home so they are not surprised by sudden physical contact.

Second, teach Gus a default behavior around Tommy. Many households succeed with a “go to mat” or “settle” cue. When Gus notices Tommy moving or hears him nearby, you cue Gus to go to his mat and reinforce calm behavior there. Over time, Tommy’s presence becomes a signal for relaxation rather than play attempts.

Third, proactively drain Gus’s social and physical energy before he interacts with Tommy. Structured walks, scent games, food puzzles, and short training sessions lower baseline arousal. A dog that has already spent mental and physical energy is far less likely to bounce toward the older dog.

Fourth, interrupt play attempts early and calmly. The moment Gus begins orienting toward Tommy in a playful but intrusive way, stiffening, bouncing, pawing—redirect him before Tommy has to escalate. Quiet redirection paired with reinforcement for disengagement teaches Gus that leaving Tommy alone is the successful strategy.

It is also worth noting that some bully-type dogs, tend to show strong “play persistence.” They keep trying because historically persistence has worked with other dogs. That trait is not malicious; it simply means the human has to set clearer boundaries about when play is and is not available.

Your daughter’s dog being careful around Tommy is a useful observation. Some dogs naturally show what behaviorists call self handicapping, where the larger dog reduces intensity with a smaller or older partner. Gus may eventually learn some version of that, but relying on spontaneous restraint is risky given Tommy’s health.

Finally, try to remove yelling from the interaction loop if possible. When you raise your voice, Gus likely experiences the sequence as: approach Tommy → exciting chaos → owner upset. Calm redirection paired with reinforcement tends to produce clearer learning and less emotional fallout.

In many homes the system becomes fairly peaceful once the younger dog learns a simple rule: the old dog is not a play partner. He is simply part of the environment. Over time, younger dogs often shift from solicitation to quiet coexistence, which is exactly the retirement plan a 14-year-old dog deserves.

I hope this helps, happy training!

Best,

Adrienne