When to make the hard decision

[hridika]

Remie, is our border collie x aussie cross that we have had for 1 year and 4 months. I finally found someone to help with her picking on Hannah. We have had one 3hr visit. The dog behaviourlist has me keeping them crated and separated. It's hard and frustrating and very stressful. Remie still growls at Hannah sometimes when she comes to bed at night, even tough Remie is separated in the bedroom from her. Husband got all upset again and demands that I get rid of Remie.

We have had 9 conversations now about Remie, giver her up or put her down. Man my heart breaks and I cry so hard every time we discuss this. I want to keep trying as the behavioulist said she can help with the dogs relationship, but if the husband is not willing to help then what's the point?

He says he's scared of her. Is it fair for me to keep her? I have bonded with her and she has come such a long way, but the husband is scared she will hurt the other dog.

I know this is not a therapy group, and I am seeing someone for help, but she's not just a dog and I just can't give up on her.

I am very scared that if I give her up, I'm going to go into a bad depression and I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone I can talk to about my options with her.

We are meeting the behavioulist again today and we are going to discuss options, if it comes to that, can she even be re-homed safely? Will they love her as much as I do or will she bite someone? I will never forgive myself, how do I live with that?

But at what point do you have to make that hard decision, what is best for the dog? Am I being selfish thinking I am the only one who can love her.

She does not like men, or other dogs, so it would be very hard to re-home her.

So far there have been 9 horrible conversations breaking my heart every time, is it better to have a bunch more little heart breaks or one big one and do what I just can't make myself do, and hope that I will be ok.

I will never get another dog again.

[JMFS]

First off, therapy group or not, big giant huge hugs for you!

 

Now, for some real talk - it's not fair for your husband to make an ultimatum without even trying. I have seen, firsthand with Momo, how much change a behaviorist can effect. This is a life we're talking about and turning his back on it is, again, unfair. To you and to Remie. He has to see how much you're hurting over this! When a dog comes into a home it is up to Everyone in that home to make Every effort possible to ensure the dog's best interests are seen to.

 

Having said that, if it comes right down to it, yes, she can be re-homed and yes, someone else Can love her as much as you. In fact, it may be someone who needs Exactly the dog Remie is. She can be re-homed in a household without other dogs.

 

I have to cut this short, but know that I'm supporting you over here!

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I have a little more time now. With as much training as you and Remie have done she's in a good place to go to another home if that's the ultimate decision. Hannah's well-being has to be considered as well. Her quality of life has declined since Remie started the attacks and that's a serious issue. I'll repeat myself, this should Only be an option After all avenues have been explored. A dog doesn't get euthanized simply because someone in the household doesn't like her - that's madness, selfish, cruel, and hateful. I absolutely get his side of it, believe you me! It's an awful feeling living with an animal who can snap at you, or another dog, over something we humans find to be trivial and ridiculous. That's Precisely why I went with the behaviorist! With her help we did a complete turnaround and I understand Mo so much better after 5 sessions with her. We had several setbacks, but each time I knew better how to handle those situations. If I had gone through with putting Momo down every time I had a hair trigger reaction to his outbursts . . . well, let's just say I feel horrible every time I think about it.

 

I still can't pet Momo while he's eating, but then the question is begged - why would I need to? Answer: I don't. I've also learned that slow fluid movements help keep him in a calm state of mind so if I Do have to add medicine to his bowl I can, I just have to be slow and let him know what's happening (I tell him, "more" to let him know I'm adding something, not taking away). Your husband wants to hug Remie, Remie doesn't want to be hugged, simple solution - don't hug her. Some dogs are like some people - hands off. Gertie Loves it when I snuggle up with her and the closer the better - she nuzzles in; Momo jumps out of his skin trying to get the hell out of there. I've come to accept his dislike for that type of affection and found Another way to express love for him - ear rubs and chest scratches put him in a state of nirvana. There's a way to love on every dog, we just have to figure out what that is and Accept their comfort level. The training is as much about getting the dog acclimated as it is about us learning how to communicate with the dog based on their individual needs, maybe even more so about us than them. We can reason and work out the logic, dogs not so much; therefore we have more responsibility to make it work.

 

If you did have to find a new home for Remie, trust that she will be appreciated and loved because you were able to bond with her. That means she is a dog who can be loved. The benefit is that you have information about her a shelter wouldn't. You would be able to explain to the new family that she doesn't like being hugged, she guards resources, she should be an only dog, she's been trained to do x, y, and z, when she's walking on the leash if she does this then they can do that, etc . . .. That sets her up for a successful transition in a happy home. You may even be lucky enough to be allowed visits, or to take her for a walk here and there. There are so many options!

 

One last thing about the husband, and I feel a little badly for bagging on him, but Victoria Stillwell would have chewed him up one side and down the other, I guarantee! Remie is not Your dog, she's the Family's dog. I said it earlier in my response, it takes Everyone in the family giving it a go. It takes only One person mucking things up to halt progress, or worse - set it back. If it were the other way around I have every reason to believe you would do whatever it takes to help Hannah live in your home and in a partnership like a marriage that's the way it should be. Remie's issues aren't even on the high end of the scale of unwanted dog behavior and based on the information you've provided, in my non-professional opinion, she Can be helped.

 

I'm sad to hear you won't ever get another dog. I understand the sentiment and over time I hope it wanes because you are the type of person a shelter dog needs. You are clearly willing and able to put in the work and you have the kind of heart that a dog would benefit from. Cross that bridge if you come to it.

Edited January 4, 2020 by JenniferM.
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[Adrienne Farricelli]

Hrdika,

This may not be a therapy group, but we are all dog lovers here and we can understand your feelings! You are going through a very difficult situation and you need all the help you can get. I am very glad to hear you are working with a behavior professional as he/she is in the best position to help you out. It would be important to know from him/her if she thinks there are any glimpses of hope with behavior modification that things may change. Of course, no dog trainer/behavior consultant can provide guarantees on the outcome of training or behavior modification (this would be unethical!), but sometimes they can provide a little insight into possible prognostic factors based on their experiences on working on similar cases (all cases are different though) after doing a functional assessment and info gathering.

 

I must agree with him/her though on the fact, that, when training and behavior modification must be carried out, an important prognostic factor is that everybody is on board with the process. If you remember, in a previous post, I mentioned that lack of compliance and lack of a supportive environment (where all the family is committed to collaborate) can put a dent in things. So the next question is: will your husband be willing to collaborate if there are chances that things may improve with time? How far is he willing to go until all options have been exhausted? If things are difficult, are you willing to do a life-time of management?

 

And then, you must consider the welfare of both your dogs. Could Remi be a happier dogs in a home with no other dogs? When dogs are prone to attacking so frequently, there's often a good level of underlying anxiety going on. And then, of course, we must consider the impact on Hannah, who is suffering emotionally from Remi's behavior.

 

 

Please remember that when there is tension and fights between two dogs in the household, the repercussions can be physical (through potential bites) and emotional. It may sound odd, but often, the emotional toll may be worse as victim dogs learn to live in constant terror of being attacked. If you are doing crate rotations, and Remie still growls at Hannah even though she is separated from her, you may need to find some other way to separate to ensure the two are “mentally” separated from each other so that Remi cannot threaten Hannah even if vocally. Your behavior professional can provide more insight on how to accomplish this.

 

To answer your question about re-homing, I don't think there is necessarily much shortage of women who only want one dog. Sometimes, and I know this may sound very odd, some dogs who attack another dog sharing the household happen to get along with a dog of the opposite sex or different temperament/age group. It may not happen very often, but it's not unheard of, especially in cases of same-sex aggression (female-female combos are statistically the top combo to not get along-and social maturity is often the age of onset for problems). Of course, we don't want to take any risks, so it is best to carefully disclose all her history of not getting along with Hannah and her initial behavior with your husband, even though things improved. It would be important talking about this with your behavior professional as she might now through word of mouth somebody who may be a good fit and perhaps can even help you screen potential candidates.

 

I have never personally re-homed a dog of my own, but have helped spread the voice in the process and there are many happy tales of new dog owners who keep in contact with the former owners providing updates and sending pictures etc. Some former owners also establish so good relationships with the new owners, that they even visit every now and then.

 

I must confess that in some cases of housemate aggression, dog owners often feel terrible at the initial thought of re-homing, but then they feel a sense of relief as separating and living in perpetual tension can be very stressful. This is nothing to feel guilty about, it's just that dealing with inter-dog aggression among dogs sharing the home takes a big emotional toll that can be draining and heartbreaking for all those involved. Of course, this is if worse comes to worse, but having a back-up plan is always important.

 

Feel free to post anytime,

Hugs to you at this difficult time.

Edited January 4, 2020 by Adrienne Farricelli
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